My Demonic Struggle with Abortion

We were both in our mid-20s. We were both young and stupid. The moment she found out that she was pregnant, an appointment to the abortion clinic was scheduled without me even knowing about it and we were there the next day. We showed up at the clinic and we were in and out within 30 minutes. For the medical staff there, it was just another day at work but for me, I had no idea what was going to haunt me next.  

After that visit at the clinic, we had a very quiet lunch outside at a nearby Malaysian restaurant. Both of us did not say much. We were both mentally defeated. She didn’t say a word and I didn’t say a word. Both of us did not know what to say to each other. We did not know how to start any conversation. We both just sat and ate in silence. She spoke first. Her first sentence was “you have anything to say?”. I responded back “no, I don’t know what to say”. She got angry. We quickly finished lunch and left the restaurant and we were on our way back home. The whole train ride back to Brooklyn, we just sat in silence. No words exchanged between us. We did not even hold each other’s hand. We have abandoned each other.

Being afraid would be an understatement. I felt like Death was watching over me. I felt like I was the villain. I did not feel safe. There was so much uncertainty. I did not know what to do. I did not know who to turn to. I cannot speak. Who can I talk to? Who would help? How can they help? I was not prepared for this. They did not teach this to you in college. I would have to take this with me to my grave. Years have gone by with me in silence and I thought I was good. I did not think about it anymore. I thought it was gone after all these years but I was wrong.

I thought I was fine. I’m in a new relationship now. I’m happy, a new chapter started. We are having fun and enjoy each other’s company. What can go wrong? Until one day, she says her period is late in a very casual tone. There we go. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. It follows you into your new life. You didn’t know it was there. It never left. Without warning, it strikes and you have no idea what just happened. You stand there frozen. Your heart starts beating fast. You can’t breathe. You start feeling hot and cold at the same time. All the memories and pain coming at you like ocean waves. Your partner has no idea what is happening to you. All she sees is just you standing there like a tree. You just say everything is fine. You don’t even know what is happening to yourself. I did not know how to explain it because I never dealt with it. Next thing you know, everything that was going well with you is coming to an end. It may not have been the main reason why my new relationship failed but it sure did play a huge role in it.

I know what that mental process is like now. I know the pain from the abortion. I know the mental toll that it will take on you after the fact. But talking, talking and reflecting back on it is what did it for me. Getting professional help is the way to go. It will help you heal and break the cycle. That is what got me closer to understanding myself, the past and finally putting it to rest. Realizing that there is someone out there that will listen and help. That I did not have to suffer all these years by myself without even knowing about it. There is nothing to be ashamed about. For me, it feels like the weight is finally lifted off me. I don’t feel ashamed or guilty. I can talk about it freely now with my friends without even hesitating. If I can do it, you can do it also. You don’t have to suffer alone in silence.